Mommy Means Business

A majority of the words my two-year-old daughter strings together still come out sounding like a foreign language. But there is one word she has mastered with the brilliance of a Harvard lexicologist.

Would you like some chicken?
NO! (pushing plate away)
Why don’t you try some mashed potatoes?
NO! (flinging a spoonfull across the table at her brother)
How about this yummy sundae with chocolate sprinkles and so much hot fudge and gooey butterscotch Mommy will have to peel you off the ceiling at bedtime?
NO! (butterscotch dripping from chin)

Why is it that all two-year-olds say “no” even if they mean “yes?” More importantly, why is that most working moms like myself say “yes” when we really mean, “If I take on one more thing, my already spinning head is going to blow up mid-orbit?” At what age, exactly, did the word “no” drop out of our vocabulary?

Having been a part-time office mom, a part-time work at home mom, a full-time work at home mom, and now a full-time office mom, I’m especially guilty of the say-yes-now-and-kick-myself-later thing. Moms who work out of the house are even more vulnerable. Having freelanced from a small corner of the playroom for several years, I know how this goes. “Since you’re home anyway, would you mind just (fill in task here)?”

It doesn’t matter how many times I remind myself (or my kids) that I only have two hands, two hips for balancing , and contrary to popular belief, can only be in one place at any given time. Someone asks for help, and the words just slip right out: “Sure. No problem.” Because it’s become socially unacceptable to say no.

Think about it. We call the emergence of the “no” phase among toddlers the Terrible Two’s. And how about that Capital One advertising with David Spade working for Credit Card Company X, telling customers “No” in a hundred different ways? Nobody likes to be told that something can’t be done. Working moms included (no, we can’t do everything and keep our sanity).

When was the last time you said no to someone (besides the child asking if she can keep a pony in the back yard)? When was the last time your husband asked you to go out of your way to drop off his dry cleaning and you said, “I’m sorry. I can’t do that today. ” When was the last time your best friend asked if she could just drop the kids off for a few hours and you said, “I already promised my own kids I’d do something special with them.”

Learning to say no is like building a fence around the things that are important to you. Because inevitably, saying yes to one thing means that something else will get slighted. So I’m learning to say “yes” to things that are in line with my priorities (like accompanying my son on a school field trip) and “no” to things that aren’t (like taking on an extra freelance project because “you’re so good at it”).

It’s one of the shortest words, but also one of the most difficult to master. If you need some help remembering how to say no, there’s a great book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

As for me, I’m just taking lessons from my daughter.